Would You Rather . . . ?

Have you ever played the board game "Would You Rather . . . ?" Designed for older children and adults, the game poses players a series of questions in which they are given the opportunity to pick one of two rather unorthodox situations. The point of the game is to reveal the inner thoughts and value systems of the players.

For example, you might be asked, "Would you rather lose your eyesight or your hearing?" How one answers that question reveals what kinds of interactions are most important to the player.

I've never seen this question posed in the game, but I'll pose it here. Would you rather be liked or admired? You should take some time before you answer. While most of us likely wish to be admired, at the same time being liked certainly makes your day go by easier. Admiration is generated by observation, while fondness comes through human interaction. I can admire someone I don't know--an athlete for their physical prowess; a business leader for their accomplishments; and an artist for their talents. The fact that these persons may fail in their relationships and treat the people around them rudely does not diminish my admiration for their achievements.

Fondness, however, is tied to our emotions. We like people who make us laugh, who remember our birthday, and who pay attention to our appearance. These interactions are personal. While we may not trust him or her with our life savings, we're more likely to invite a person we like to go fishing than the person voted most likely to succeed by our senior class in high school.

Ultimately, I want to be both liked and admired, but it's difficult to pull both off. A high achiever does many things that anger people who observe them. For example, if a person achieves due to their hard work, then the much larger group of people who don't work hard is reminded of their laziness. The admired achiever then gets maligned for being a workaholic, driven or called obsessed by those who would rather achieve without putting in the same effort.

Also, an admired achiever inevitably makes difficult choices that will also alienate others. For example, a person in business will choose some people to be their partners/associates and choose not to do business with others. If being liked were more important than success for that person, he or she would try hard not to offend anyone and could instead maintain unproductive business relationships that would undermine their success. Every successful business venture has created some enemies along the way.

This whole theme has been on my mind because for the past few weeks the director of the vocal music program at Isaac's high school has been mentioned in a variety of conversations day after day. The program is widely admired for its success--contest awards, highly regarded productions, large participation--but the director is widely criticized for an overbearing, some would say abusive, personality. She's called "crazy", "mean", and "bitchy"--and gossipers also enjoy speculating about her personal life. Yet, in the end, parents, students, and many in the community seem to bend over backwards to accomodate and please this director. I honestly wish my children were as concerned about my feelings! Maybe I should try throwing tantrums!

So, at the end of the day, if my choice is would I rather be Norm from Cheers, the guy everybody likes (but nobody takes seriously), or Ellen from Grosse Pointe South, the woman everybody admires (but many dislike), I'm going with Ellen. Maybe Norm sleeps better at night and rarely encounters conflict, but he's also spending his day on a barstool, not doing much for anybody. Maybe Ellen is gossipped about and maligned, but she also is changing lives (and taking names).

I guess the question isn't so difficult after all, is it?